IVF Round Two

In December, Zac and I felt that we were ready to add to your family. However, we knew and know that it will never be easy for us to do that. We knew that we would have to do IVF again. But, thankfully, we had four frozen embryos leftover from the cycle we had John.
I had gone off birth control several months earlier. I was only on birth control to help manage my Endo symptoms. But I knew that I needed a few months to let my body get back to normal before jumping into the world of infertility, drugs, and hormones again.
I was ready for another pregnancy and child but I didn't know if was ready for the rollercoaster that is infertility. But I decided to call the U of U anyways. When I called, they initially told me that all their doctors were booked through April! It was at that moment that I realized that I was ready and I didn't want to have to wait that long to just see a doctor. Luckily, there was a cancellation for the next week. This was a two weeks before Christmas.
We saw our IVF doctor and talked about timeline, etc. It is kind of funny, actually. Who else sits down with their husband, the doctor and a nurse with their calendar to plan when will be the best time to try and get pregnant? Haha. We finally settled on a timeframe of having the embryo transfer the first week of March.
I started hormone shots and pills the beginning of February. The drug protocol is much easier in a frozen cycle than a fresh, which I was so grateful for. The only downside of a frozen cycle is that instead of using a progesterone cream, you have to do a progesterone in oil (PIO) shot.....in the hip......with a big needle.....through 10 weeks of pregnancy.
The transfer went smoothly and then it was time for the waiting.....you have to wait 12 days before they can do a pregnancy test. Because I didn't have to take any HCG in my med protocol, I could have taken a home pregnancy test. But I couldn't do it. I have taken way too many of those and they had all come back negative so I didn't want to risk it.
I went in to the clinic early Sunday morning to have my blood drawn and the nurse told me they would call me in the next few hours to tell me the results. We had stake conference that day. We purposely sat in one of the overflow rooms so that I could check my phone easily. At around 11am, my phone rings. We rush out of the room and end up in the kitchen of the church building because it is one of the only quiet places. And for the second time, I got to hear the words "You're pregnant!".
Miracle baby number two is due on Thanksgiving Day (November 22nd, 2018).
After that, I was still not out of the woods. I had to continue taking an estrogen pill and my PIO shots. They got easier the longer I did them. I made Zac give them to me at first, but Zac ended up having a business trip half way through so I had to toughen up and do it myself. My hips ended up numb after the first couple of shots so by the end I couldn't even feel them. I still have a few numb spots and the injection sites are still a little sore. Hopefully, it wears off soon.
But those shots and any discomfort of going through IVF is 100% worth it. My heart is so full! Just two and half years ago, I never thought that I would be so blessed to have one child let alone two! This baby is truly a miracle. Modern medicine is a miracle!
Heavenly Father really does care and look out for each and everyone of us. With both IVF rounds I have asked Zac to give me a Priesthood blessing before the transfer. And both times, he has given the sweetest most comforting blessings. Each time, he was blessed me that the treatment will work. If that isn't a testimony that God does communicate to us and cares for us, I don't know what else is.
We find out the gender of our little baby next week and I can't wait! I will be so happy whether it is a boy or a girl. People ask me all the time what gender I want. I personally think it is a silly question because no matter the gender, I love this little baby with all my heart.

82 Shots

Happy Due Date!

Happy due date! I have done a lot of waiting over the last several years. Two week waits, doctor office waits, medical procedure waits, but I can say that this is the happiest waiting I have ever had to endure in this almost five year journey to get this baby here.
Back in the summer of 2014, I decided to start a journal that was written to my future child. It was a way for me to process the many emotions of fighting infertility. As I have been waiting for him to make his arrival, I have had time to read through those first initial entries. I am still writing in that journal to him. And I hope to continue through his life. I also wanted to share that first entry with you:

June 11, 2014

Dear Future Child, 
I am not sure how to even begin journal. You see, I've dreamed about you, prayed for you and hoped for you for what feels like eternity. It, in fact, has been two years and seven months.
I never thought I would have to fight so hard for you. I am still fighting for you.
I have been to multiple doctors in hope the would be able to fix me. But none of them know why I am broken. Next month, I will be having surgery in hopes they will find the source of our problems. Even though you aren't even close to being on earth yet, I want you to know how much I love you. I know that I am meant to be a mother, your mother. 
I picture what you will look like, who you will become, and choose names for you. If you are a girl, I think I may name you Evelyn, Genevieve, or Vera. Genevieve and Vera are my grandmother's names. I like to think that you are up in heaven with Grandma Vera Heap and she is telling you about how she would always give me cookies and Hawaiian fruit punch when we would visit. 
If you are a boy, then that is a little harder. I like the names ben, John, William, Landon, Marcus nad probably a ton more that I haven't even thought of. 
I just know you are going to be special. The longer you have to wait for something, the better it is. I know you are there and that you will come. Sometimes being patient is difficult I am learning to trust in the Lord's timing.

Oh how I am so happy that I am finally almost to end of this waiting. Waiting is hard but makes everything that much sweeter.
Something else I have been doing while I have been waiting is looking through the rest of my maternity pictures. I can't get enough of them. I sure do have a talented sister-in-law and I am so grateful she chose to use her talent to catch these memories. Thanks Emma.

Click here to see all of them

Top 15 of 2015

I can't believe that 2015 is coming to an end and 2016 is already here. This past year has been a crazy and adventurous one! Here are my top 15 moments from 2015.

15. In January, Zac was offered a job in Utah so we packed everything up and moved from Seattle to Salt Lake.

14. Witnessed a miracle. Before we moved, we were able to witness my nephew, Mason, be sealed to my sister, Kristin and Alan and Spencer for time and all eternity.

13. Grandma LeFevre passed away. It was bittersweet. It also provided an opportunity for my whole immediate family to be together for the first time in years.

12. Celebrated my 25th birthday with lots of family around to make it extra special.

11. I hiked the Grand Canyon with my Dad and Lindsey.

10. Started a new job at 1800Contacts as a personal trainer/wellness coach. I absolutely love it!

9. Visited home for the 24th of July and spent a lot of time with family.

8. Successfully grew my first patio garden!


7. We discovered that besides Endometriosis, we were also dealing with male factor infertility which explains a lot.

6. Celebrated 6 wonderful years of marriage!

5. Went to Yellowstone, knocking something off my lifelong bucket list.

4. Ran two half marathons!

3. Went on many great adventures with Zac. Lots of hiking, backpacking and discovering.

2. We decided to give IVF a try. I thought I would die giving myself shots, but I survived.

1. And for the best news of all of 2015...........IT WORKED! Our little miracle is expected early September of 2016. So it is still pretty early which means that we are not out of the woods yet. Thank you for all of your support and prayers. I am completely overwhelmed with happiness and gratitude. I wanted the IVF treatments to work so so bad but was so afraid that I would be disappointed again like I have been so many times over the last four years. I am still a little reserved and having a hard time feeling like it is real. I have spent the last four years guarding myself and my emotions from the painful reality of infertility. Just thinking about the fact that we are really going to have a baby in 2016, is enough to get me misty eyed with pure happiness.

We decided to have the blood test done over Christmas vacation. It took us a while to find an open lab and when we finally had the blood work finished, because of the time difference between Utah and Washington, we had to wait to get the results the next day. Talk about the longest day ever. The next morning Zac and I were just laying in bed half awake when my phone rang. I knew exactly what phone call it was. I jumped out of bed, answered the phone and put it on speaker phone so Zac could hear. Those few moments seemed to go in slow motion. When I heard the IVF nurse say, "Congratulations! You are pregnant!" I completely lost it. There are moments in life that change everything and you will never forget. This was definitely one of those moments. I will never forget how I felt hearing those words for the first time. Such a tender moment. 

Like I said earlier, it is still quite early. So there is still a lot of risk. However, I have decided that because I have let you all in on my IVF journey, I need to let you in on the rest, no matter what happens. 

2015 was a crazy year that brought a lot of change. Here is to an even crazier 2016! 

Transfer

Where to begin....my heart is full of gratitude, love and hope. Grateful to all of you for the thoughtful texts, notes, messages and meals. They have been life-savers. Full of love for a husband who is so supportive, honors his priesthood and stays close to his Savior. And hopeful for the future and the possibilities that we could soon be parents, hopeful that my dream may be fulfilled.

After all was said and done, we had five beautiful little embryos, healthy, good quality, beautiful embryos. After talking it over with the doctor, praying and thinking about it, we decided to go ahead and only transfer one embryo and freeze the remaining four. I feel at peace about this decision and that it is the right thing for us to do at this time.

I was able to see the actual embryo that they transferred right before. It went smoothly and I had no pain. They gave me a picture of my embryo as well as an ultrasound picture right after the transfer. In the ultrasound there is a tiny white dot which is actually just the fluid surrounding my little guy. The embryo is too small at this point to be seen on an ultrasound. These are possibly the first pictures of our baby!

Retrieval Day

I had my egg retrieval yesterday morning. The actual procedure went really well and we ended up with 16 little eggs! Which is a great number to start out with. The embryologist will call me tomorrow to give me an update on how my little guys are doing. I thought the anticipation of waiting for Christmas was bad.....this is waaaay worse. I am so excited!

So lets back up just a little bit, I took my trigger shot on Tuesday. I was so nervous. The needle for the trigger was much larger than my other shots. I iced my bum until it was numb then turned on my favorite Christmas music and made Zac do the stabbing. I didn't even feel it. That definitely a tender mercy.

Wednesday and Thursday were rough, I felt like I had been punched in the stomach, not fun.
Luckily for the retrieval I was out of it and on pain meds so I don't remember anything. Once I woke up, however, I was quite sick from the anesthesia and I was in a lot of pain. We ended up staying in the recovery room for a few hours until I felt better. Today I am feeling much better and it is just a dull ache compared to yesterday.

Tuesday is the big day. Transfer day. We will hopefully be transferring two embryos. Then after that it is the dreaded two week wait. Our blood work to see it worked or not is scheduled for December 27th, which means we get to do our blood work in Spokane, the clinic will send the results to our doctors in Utah then our doctor will call us to tell us the results. Talk about suspenseful.....

I have never asked for prayers on my behalf before and I know that a lot of you are already praying for us. But I would like to ask for any good thoughts and prayers that you may have for us on Tuesday. It is a big day that has the potential to completely alter Zac's and my life forever. We could use all the extra prayers that day. Love you all!

The Count Down is On

Well, folks, it is almost official....retrieval day is most likely Thursday. AAAAHHHHH!!!!!! My ovaries are growing like crazy. In fact, at my ultrasound yesterday the doctor kept telling me "good job" for my ability to grow lots of eggs. Haha. So good job ovaries! 

 

At each ultrasound, they draw my blood to check hormone levels then measure my follicles to see how they are progressing. They schedule retrieval when the majority of my follicles are measuring between 14 - 24 mm. That is almost a whole inch per follicle and I have around 20 that are looking good. So needless to say, my ovaries are HUGE! They are so big right now that they are actually touching and I feel extremely bloated. 

The IVF nurse will call me later today to give me instructions on what time to take my trigger shot and instructions for the next three days. I don't think I have ever been so anxious in my whole life. The timing of this shot is crucial. If it is too early or too late then all of this will be for nothing and we will have to start all over again. They give me an exact time to take the shot and the nurse even drew a circle on my hip so we know exactly where it needs to go. 

I can't even adequately describe my feelings and emotions right now. I am an emotional mess. Between the the high quantities of hormones I am taking and just the stress and anxiety that comes along with IVF, I am surprised that I have been able to hold it together. I have never been so hopeful yet so scared. Thank you for all of your support and prayers. I can feel them. 

Shots

I feel like the last week has gone by soooooo slow but also incredibly fast at the same time. If you have ever watched a suspenseful movie with me then you know that I get giddy and can hardly sit still through out the movie. That is exactly what I am feeling like right now. The suspense is killing me!

I have ultrasounds every other day to see how my follicles are developing. Apparently they are growing like crazy thanks to the meds. Because, right now I feel like an over inflated balloon. At my ultrasound on Monday they will decide if I am ready for my trigger shot (the shot that triggers ovulation). If I am ready, then I will go home take the shot then have my egg retrieval on Wednesday. I am pretty nervous about the retrieval process, I have heard that the retrieval can be pretty rough so we will see....

Overall, the shots aren't too bad. I am getting better and faster. By the end of this I am going to have some mad skillzzz with shot giving. The worst thing about it is the side effects. I have had a constant headache since I started the meds. Which always makes for a fun time. not. I can take Tylenol but it only takes about half of it away. Below is one of my shots. So you can see they aren't too scary looking. :)

Day One

I gave myself a shot today. I will be taking two shots each morning for the next five days then it goes up to three a day. I tried to give myself the first one but I chickened out. That first shot was the hardest. I ended up making Zac do it because I started crying from stress and nerves. But after I knew what it was going to feel like I was able to give myself the second one. I think it will definitely get easier the more I do it. It is just those first ones that are so scary and hard. One day down and a whole lot more to go......

Welcome to the Pharmacy.....

I picked up my drugs today.....Needless to say I walked out the pharmacy with two rather large bags and a lot poorer. We also met with the nurse yesterday for one final screening ultrasound, went over all of my drugs and paid a whole lot of money.

Everything looks really good. I have a lot of eggs and no cysts! She gave us instructions on how to give myself shots and the needle doesn't look as scary as I originally thought. I just have to get comfortable with stabbing myself. Yikes. I am just trying to get over how many drugs I have to take. This is going to be interesting.......
In other infertility news, this month marks four years. It seems short and long at the same time. This could all be over within the next year which is super weird to think about. Infertility has been part of me for so long and to think that there is a very real possibility of actually have the child that I have so desperately prayed and hoped for is so exciting and nerve racking. I haven't even started the medications and I am on the verge of tears either from excitement or stress.
I also want to thank you all for your kind words and your prayers. They have definitely been felt. Never in my life have I tangibly felt someone else's prayer on my behave has I have over the last few months. Thank you.

Things Just Got Real.....

Things just got real.....Zac and I just got our schedule from the IVF nurse this week. We are really doing this. IVF has been this thought in the back of my mind for almost a year now and we are finally doing it. I just started taking birth control which is weird because I haven't had to take it for the past four years now. I don't know if it is the birth control or the fact that I am so anxious but my emotions have been all over the place. I am somewhere between wanting to cry at anything even slightly emotional or slap people because they are just getting on my nerves. Guys, the nightly news is making me cry. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?! Caution: please do not take offense to anything Katelyn may say or do for at least the next two months.

So the schedule....It looks like we will start injections right after Thanksgiving, have our egg retrieval sometime the week of December 7th and then egg transfer five days after that. This means that I could take a pregnancy test right around Christmas Eve. Which I am still trying to decide what to do. I could literally find out if I am pregnant or not on Christmas, meaning this could be the best Christmas in my life EVER or the absolute worst Christmas EVER. Blog world, what would you do?

I think IVF is going to take over my blog for awhile. It is really the only thing I can think about right now. Infertility has consumed most of my thoughts for the last several years but now with IVF looming ahead I would say it is consuming more than ever. Luckily, I don't have to alter my exercise too much up until egg retrieval. Exercise right now is my biggest stress relieve. I am training for another half on Halloween. Usually, by this point I am so burned out on running but running has been such a safe haven for me that I haven't been able to give it up. Those last few weeks of In Vitro are going to be really hard emotionally. And that is when they take away my running.

Looking back over the last four years, Zac and I have both sacrificed and given up so much just for the chance to have a baby of our own. But it will all be worth it. every. last. second. will be worth it.

The Big One

BIG NEWS! Zac and I have decided to try IVF with ICSI. Big news, right?! I may or may not be freaking out just a little bit. I can't describe the whirlwind of emotions that I am feeling about this decision. I am excited, nervous, hopeful and scared all at the same time. I am ready to start and to see if this will finally give us the children we have longed for for so long. Our chances for success are quite high around 60% which is so much better than our current chances of like 1%. We are hoping to start our first cycle sometime between the end of October and beginning of November.

One of the homework assignments that I have to do before is watch training videos on how to give myself shots. Yikes! Just watching the video was frightening so this will be really interesting. Any friends out there that don't mind sticking me with a needle? Just kidding....but seriously.

Even though I feel good about this decision and I know that it is the right next step for us to take it is still really scary. I keep telling myself that thousands upon thousands of couples go through this each year so it shouldn't be such a big deal. But oh, it IS a big deal.

Seriously, I think the only way I am going to make it through this is because it is fall and I love fall. So if all else fails, I at least have pumpkin patches, leaves changing and caramel apple spice drinks from Starbucks to keep my mood up.

 I am still waiting for the IVF nurses to call me back so we can talk schedule. The more I learn about this process I become more and more amazed at how advanced modern medicine is! Everything about this whole procedure is all about timing.

We have started some of the pre-testing. Last week I had a sonohysterogram done and what they call a trial transfer. The sonohyterogram was to make sure there was no scar tissue or blockages and the trial transfer is pretty much the doctor Google mapping my uterus so, you know, really fun. I did not anticipate how incredibly painful it would be! Holy cow. It hurt so bad. The pain was so terrible that I lost my breakfast on the way home from the doctor's office. I have only had cramps that severe a few times in my life. It was terrible. On the bright side though, our doctor said that if he didn't know I had Endometriosis that he wouldn't have been able to tell. So YAY for minimal endo growth.

Going through this is going to take so much strength: physical, emotional and mental. I just have to remind myself that going through hard things just make you stronger and that I may really get my Christmas wish this year, a baby. :)

Thoughts.....

There is something about writing down how I feel about infertility that helps me process it. My thoughts become more clear and I am better able to think about it without breaking down.

The day before our 6th wedding anniversary, Zac and I got some pretty devastating news. The test was completely unsuccessful. We are left with two options, IVF with ICSI or giving up the dream of having our own children. It is safe to say, that we both need time to think about what we are going to do next.
We met with our doctor a little over a week ago and discussed in detail what IVF would include. It is a lot. But strangely, I feel at peace about the whole thing. I know that if we decide to do this that I will have the strength to do it.
Last night as I was talking to Zac about all of these thoughts and feels I realized that processing all of this is easier now than it would have been a few years ago. I am not saying that infertility is all of a sudden easy, because it definitely isn't. But I somehow feel stronger. I don't know if it is just because I am numb after four years or if I am literally stronger. We will go with stronger. :)
Zac and I have been extremely blessed in all of this. We have been led to amazing doctors and we have both been able to find good jobs. So whatever we decide finances won't be a problem.
Elise and I have been making more of an effort to go to the temple more often and every time I go I am reminded that life is eternal. I cannot express enough the love I have for my Father in Heaven and my Savior, Jesus Christ. Knowing that they know me as "Katelyn", that they love me and care about me is so comforting.
Dealing with infertility,it is so easy to feel like I am broken, defective and forgotten. It is a constant battle to fight those thoughts out of my mind and to remind myself that I am unique and important. Even though I may or may not ever be able to have biological children that it doesn't make me less of a person and that I can still be a good person and do so much good for those around me. And I know that the strength to be that kind of person and to overcome the negative thoughts come from my God.
I am sure once we make a decision, I will write a more lengthy post about what will be doing and I will probably use this space more to talk about what we are going through. I don't want to forget anything that I have gone through or will go through. Blogging is a way for me to remember that.

Does the Road End Here?

Just when I thought I had somewhat of a plan, it turns out that I really don't. Two weeks ago everything changed. Zac and I started seeing a new reproductive endocrinologist a month ago. He re-ordered a lot of the blood work and tests that Zac and I had already done in the past. I wasn't worried. I thought that everything would come back normal just as it always had because I am the one with Endometriosis, I am the the reason we can't get pregnant. Or so I thought.
Zac's test results came back less than ideal. Sending both of us for a loop. How can it be that after almost four years of me thinking that I am the sole reason that we are possibly dealing with both male and female factor infertility?
Zac and I are awaiting more test results to see what our our options are. If the test results come back negative, we are left with only one option, IVF with ICSI. This option is a lot more invasive and expensive than regular IVF. It also comes with more risks. Risks I am not sure I am willing to take. Some research has shown that children born via IVF with ICSI are more likely to be born with birth defects. It feels like all the odds are stacked against us.
I am terrified. I have never been so scared about my future. This one test has the power to determine if we will ever be able to have our own biological children. And giving up that dream is almost more than I can handle right now. Four years of hoping. praying, fasting, medical appointments and doctors all to find out that the road ends here.
All I can do is to continue to hope, pray, fast and trust that Heavenly Father has a plan for Zac and I. Oh how I desperately wish and hope that that plan includes biological children. However, whatever happens, happens. It will be hard and so so challenging. But as long as I have Zac and God by my side I know I will be okay.

"Then I will make weak things become strong..."

Today in Relief Society, I taught a lesson on marriage and family being ordained of God. This lesson was particularly difficult for me to teach. Not because I don't believe that marriage and family are ordained of God but because so many of the trials and challenges we face are related to marriage and family.

 As I prepared for this lesson, I kept thinking about trials and weaknesses and how they relate. I know that one of my biggest weaknesses is being patient. No matter what it is, I become impatient and just want to solve the problem, finish the project, eat the chocolate, etc. It is no coincidence that I have to wait to have children. This challenge focuses directly on my personal weakness. 

In Ether 12:27  it says..."And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." We are given weakness that we may be humble. How true this is. As I try each day to overcome my weaknesses I often fail having to return to my Father in Heaven over and over again asking for help to overcome these weaknesses. Nothing is more humbling than realizing that you can't do it by yourself that you need help. 

I love the second half of the scripture where it says "...then will I make weak things become strong...". I think one of the ways Heavenly Father makes weak things strong is by giving us trials and challenges that directly relate to the weakness.

Being a personal trainer, I often think of it in terms of muscles. :) It order to become physically stronger, our muscles must be overloaded or given more than they can lift on their own. After they have experienced the overload they grow and adapt to be able to lift more weight the next time. 

However, no matter how hard we try to overcome our weaknesses and flaws it will never be enough. We cannot do it on our own. We need the Atonement. 

You know how some days at church there are just so many lessons and comments that seem to talk directly to your soul? Today was one of those days. The Sunday School lesson was on the Atonement. We talked about how Christ felt everything that we have felt. This past week I had a really really bad few days with my Endometriosis. I was in so much physical pain I didn't know if I was going to make it to work. Sitting in Sunday School, it really hit me that Christ knows what that pain feels like. He knows what I am going through. I am so thankful for the Savior and the Atonement and comfort it brings. I am thankful for inspired teachers and speakers at church. 

Update Time!

Can you believe it that Zac and I have been in Utah for almost four months already?! Time has flown by. A lot has happened in the last few months so it is time for a quick recap on our lives. 

How is Zac's job? Zac is loving his new job! As hard as this move was it was definitely a great move. In Seattle, Zac was coming home with a headache almost everyday. Now it is very rare if he gets a headache. Last week he got to go down to BYU and do testing with one of his favorite professors from school.

Have you found a job yet? Yes! I am now a Wellness Specialist at 1-800 Contacts. I do a lot of personal training and starting this week I will be doing health coaching and finger sticks (cholesterol, glucose, etc readings). It is really fun so far. The only down side are my hours. Because I am the new hire I get to work the evenings and Saturdays. So that is really not very fun. But hopefully if I do my time then  I will be able to get a better shift. I am also still subbing for MediFit. Getting two pay checks some weeks has been super nice. Not complaining about the money. 

Do you guys have callings? I am a RS teacher and loving it! Teaching used to really scare me but I am really enjoying being a RS teacher. Zac has been called into the Young Men's. I think he is liking it too :) It definitely gives him something to do while I am at work on Wednesday nights. 

What have you guys been up too? We have been enjoying the mountains and the fact that it is really green (for Utah). We have had so much rain lately that it has been reminding me of Washington. I love hiking and getting outside so as soon as I am off of work on Saturday we usually head up to the Mountains. We are also training for the American Fork Canyon Half Marathon on June 27th. I am hoping to get under 2 hours this time. : )

Any news on the fertility front? Not really...We are currently researching our options and saving every penny for fertility treatments. Utah has several great fertility clinics so that is good news. However, our insurance doesn't really cover anything so almost everything from here on out will be coming out of pocket. Good thing we are both working full time. I am currently doing a nutrition program that is supposed to help with Endo. I can tell a little different in my symptoms on the days that I stick to the program. It is just really hard! haha. As a wellness coach, you would think it would be easier for me to eat really healthy but I can assure you it is a constant challenge. I think I am going to continue to try and follow the plan as best as I can. We will see where that goes. 

Park City Weekend Getaway

Trail Behind our Apartment

Donut Falls

Run of Remembrance 10K

Yellow Fork Canyon

Endometriosis Awareness

Alright friends, I am going to get serious for a little bit here. This post is dedicated to awareness for a disease that affects approximately 176 million women and girls worldwide. This disease is usually misdiagnosed. Also, it takes the average woman EIGHT YEARS from their first doctor's appointment  for their symptoms to get an accurate diagnosis. There is no cure for this disease and there is also very limited treatment outside of surgery. This disease is Endometriosis. If you get grossed out about "women's issues" then you probably shouldn't read this post....so you have been warned. 

What is Endometriosis you ask.....".Endometriosis is a painful, chronic disease that affects at least 6.3 million women and girls in the U.S., 1 million in Canada, and millions more worldwide. It occurs when tissue like that which lines the uterus (tissue called the endometrium) is found outside the uterus -- usually in the abdomen on the ovaries, fallopian tubes, and ligaments that support the uterus; the area between the vagina and rectum; the outer surface of the uterus; and the lining of the pelvic cavity. Other sites for these endometrial growths may include the bladder, bowel, vagina, cervix, vulva, and in abdominal surgical scars. Less commonly they are found in the lung, arm, thigh, and other locations.

This misplaced tissue develops into growths or lesions which respond to the menstrual cycle in the same way that the tissue of the uterine lining does: each month the tissue builds up, breaks down, and sheds. Menstrual blood flows from the uterus and out of the body through the vagina, but the blood and tissue shed from endometrial growths has no way of leaving the body. This results in internal bleeding, breakdown of the blood and tissue from the lesions, and inflammation -- and can cause pain, infertility, scar tissue formation, adhesions, and bowel problems." - http://www.endometriosisassn.org/ 

Needless to say, it can be an extremely painful and debilitating disease. This is an issue that affects millions of women everyday but it is seldom talked about all because it has to do with a woman's reproductive organs. Not only is this disease the number one cause for infertility in females but it can be so severe that it prevents a woman from living a normal life. The pain can be so bad that work is missed or going to a family event isn't even an option.

I want to tell you a story....my story....I was 16 and missing school during my period because it made me sick to me stomach because the pain was so bad. Besides the pain I had classic Endo symptoms. I when to a doctor who told me  that it was "normal" and dismissed my pain as "typical female problems". He put me on the pill to help "even me out." Fast forward three years later, I am switching birth control and I tell three different OB/GYNs about my past issues. All of them tell me they are normal. Two years later, I am happily married and ready to start a family. Months and months go by and no pregnancy. Eventually those months turn into a year and a half. I again find myself sitting in a doctor's office where I am told again that my symptoms are normal and there is no way they affect my fertility. A year later, I am diagnosed with "unexplained infertility" and still not pregnant. Finally, I find a doctor who thinks differently. A surgery is scheduled and the diagnosis of Endometriosis is suggested. After, eight years of doctor appointments and blood tests the diagnosis of Endometriosis is confirmed. 

This is my story. And it is not an abnormal story. Most women see several doctor's before they receive a diagnosis. And most of those doctors dismiss their pain. I have been told that it is normal and to basically suck it up because every girl goes through this. But guess what? Not every girl goes through this. 

So why am I even writing this post? March is Endometriosis Awareness Month. Also, Endo is a chronic disease, meaning it doesn't go away. To be honest, I didn't know much about it until I was diagnosed. And I think it is a safe bet to say that there are a lot of people out there who didn't even know something like this existed. If you are reading this, then hopefully you now know what it is. It is quite possible that you will know someone who is has it, a friend, sister, spouse, mother, or aunt. Don't dismiss it. Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it isn't there and just because I try hard to hide my pain doesn't mean that it isn't there either. This is a very real disease. Want more info? Here is a good place to get started...Women's Health, Endometriosis.  

Guess What...We Moved

Well, it is officially official. We are now living in Utah. To be quite honest. a few months ago I didn't think I would ever be typing those words. I have a lot of mixed feelings about this move. It has definitely been the hardest move I have ever made and that is saying a lot since Zac and I have moved around quite a bit.
Zac and I had both been praying the last several months that Zac would be able to know if he should try to find a new job. He wasn't very happy in his current one and we both really wanted to stay in the Seattle area. So when Zac was contacted by CoreBrace, I knew that this was an answer to a pray. Not the answer I wanted but I knew that Zac should take it.
I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about why I am having such a hard time with Utah. And I think I figured it out. As many of you know, Zac and I have been wanting to start a family for over three years now. The first year, we weren't concerned that there was anything wrong, then the second year hit. We were living in San Diego at the time. That year was brutal. I was not happy. I was heartbroken. I cried almost everyday, I couldn't stand to see pictures of new babies or pregnant women. I left multiple baby showers early and in tears because of the pain. I had no idea why I couldn't get pregnant and I had no friends close by who knew what it was like. Then we moved.
While in Seattle, I discovered the reason why. And I made some of the best friends a girl could ask for. These friends knew what I was going through as they knew themselves what it was like. We could all relate and lean on each other for support. I clung to their friendship and for the first time in over a year, I felt happy and at peace with my situation. I felt that even though I didn't know if I would ever have a family that is was okay for me to be happy.
Leaving them behind when we moved was so hard. I was worried and scared that without them I would fall back into unhappiness. That I wouldn't be able to make new friends and that without their support I wasn't quite sure what I was going to do.
But I see now that Heavenly Father placed those incredible women in my life right when I needed them the most. They will always be my friends. And because of them I am stronger and can face a new place that has so many young mothers and pregnant women. I don't think I could have ever faced Utah without first having lived in Seattle.
There are some really great things about living here though. For one, I have a sister so close, less than five minutes away, close. I am so grateful to have Elise and her family so close. Nothing quite beats having a sister nearby. I am also so much closer to home and my parents. Also, due to lower cost of living and Zac's new job, we are going to be able to pursue a few dreams in the near future that we didn't even think were possibilities before such as buying a house. Zac and I have a lot to be grateful for. I am excited to face this new adventure with my best friend by my side.

First day of work!

First snow

I have missed the mountains 

How Far Would You Go?

I have been asking myself this question a lot lately. How far am I willing to go to fulfill my dreams. This month marks the third year of our infertility journey so naturally it has been on my mind a lot more than usual.
When I think of this question I can't but help to also think how far I have come. I have endured 13 rounds of crazy pills (aka Clomid), surgery, pain, hope and heart break.
This past year has been a roller coaster to say the least. Discovering that I have Endometriosis opens a whole flood of emotions and questions. I had surgery about four months ago and sadly the Endometriosis is returning. I can feel it more acutely than I ever have. It is like I was living with the disease for so long that I got used to the way it made me feel then having a few wonderful months of knowing what it is like to not have it around makes me even more aware of the pain and the difference in my body.
Thank goodness for a wonderful husband who somehow manages to deal with my craziness. I was talking to a friend the other day and she asked how Zac was doing with dealing all of this. I said that he is doing really good considering that he never knows what kind of Katelyn he will walk in to when he gets home from work. Sometimes it is a happy Katelyn who has dinner made and the house clean other times it is an emotional mess that has binged on Netflix and is still in her PJs.
Right now I have no idea what to do next and it is scary. There are several options where fertility is concerned, however, I am learning there are not so many options where Endo is concerned. Even if I were to get pregnant the symptoms of the disease would come right back and will continue to get worse as time passes.
I have been reading every book I can find at the library about it hoping I can find ways to slow it down. So many things in my life are making more sense. As many of you know, I need a lot of sleep and am almost always tired. It turns out that fatigue is a common symptom of Endo. The extreme pain and nausea that comes with each cycle are also common symptoms. I also have weirdly sensitive skin and I am allergic to nickel and fragrances. According to one book, there is a link between autoimmune disorders such as allergies and endometriosis as endo itself is thought to be an autoimmune disease. Women with endometriosis were more likely to have an autoimmune disorder or disease than women without endo.
By learning as much as I can about it, I am hoping to gain at least a little control back. It feels better than not doing anything.
There are a lot of good things that have come from this challenge and I am sure there are more that I haven't even realized yet. However, it is not easy. Sometimes, it feels like each day is a battle between happiness and letting it consume me. I refuse to let this steal my happiness. If I can't beat it, I am at least going to go down fighting.

Hope

The last month has been a whirlwind. A few weeks ago, Zac and I decided to go ahead and get the diagnostic laparoscopy surgery for Endometriosis. I called the doctor's office and they told me that it would take about two weeks to hear back from the insurance and probably another month after that before the actual surgery. 

Last week I got a call from the doctor's office and they said they had a cancellation for the 25th. So I took it! It has definitely been an eventful week. 

On Monday, I had my pre-op appointment which went pretty well, except for passing out while getting my blood work done. Haha. It was more embarrassing than anything else.  If I don't eat anything before I get my blood drawn I pass out and according to the nurse I turn the color of a green olive. Needless, to say I was in no shape to drive home or to pick up Zac from the park and ride. There are definite perks of your doctor being in your ward. He drove me home then picked up Zac for me. Sometimes I wonder if the reason Zac and I are in Seattle is just so that Dr. S can be my doctor.  He really is such a sweet and caring man. 

The surgery was scheduled for Wednesday morning. The toughest part was waiting. We waited about three hours from the time we got there to the time they put me out. Thankfully, Zac was able to wait with me. 

I promise, I am not sleeping, yet. Zac streamed the Argentina game for me while we waited. It definitely made the wait go by faster and it was fun to talk about with the staff as well. 

It was over before I knew it. I think having my wisdom teeth removed in high school was much more painful than this surgery. I don't know about you, but I am terrible when it comes to stuff like this. The first thing I do is research it on the web and of course I find all of the horror stories. I don't know what those ladies were talking about because it was really quite simple and painless for me. The doc prescribed me some pain meds, but I have been doing just fine on Ibuprofen. 

They did find Endometriosis. To be honest, I am relieved. I think my biggest fear going into this is that they wouldn't find anything and then I would be back at square one. I didn't get to speak to the doctor as I was a little loopy from all the meds. However, he spoke with Zac. He said there was significant amounts with the majority being on the left side, around my tubes. I am not sure if it was inside, outside or both. He was able to remove most if not all of what he found and he also flushed my tubes several times. So I should be pretty cleaned out down there. 

At my pre-op appointment Dr. S said I had a good 3-5 month window afterwards before the endometriosis starts to come back. I am feeling rather hopeful that this time it is going to work that this time I will get pregnant. 

I have my post-op in two weeks, where Dr. S will go over in detail what he found and what it means exactly. He took a lot of pictures of my beautiful insides, sadly I was too sleepy to really see or comprehend them. So, we will be going over those again as well. 

Right now, I am just sore. It feels like I did too many sit ups and that I have a cramp in my shoulder. Apparently, the gas that they use to inflate your abdomen causes shoulder pain afterwards. Who knew. Also, I feel slightly like a balloon as the gas leaves you bloated. 

Good news, is that I can be back to normal activity levels in two weeks. I can even begin going on walks as soon as I feel up to it.   

I am really happy that we decided to do the surgery. It was definitely the right decision for us. I now have a definitive answer as to why I haven't been able to get pregnant the last 2 years and 7 months. 

With Endometriosis effecting over 5 million women in the world you would think that it would be easier to get it diagnosed. I had my first doctor's appointment for female issues when I was 16 and they brushed it off as if it were no big deal. Telling me that it was because I was still growing and that my pain was normal. Then, I went through two other doctors as an adult who also brushed it off saying that there was nothing wrong with me. I am so glad that I have finally found a doctor who was willing to take the next step and really find out what was going on.  

We will see what Dr. S says about my options in two weeks! In the meantime, I am going to soak in the feeling of hope! 

National Infertility Awareness Week

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. I want to take this opportunity to help increase awareness. Resolve.org is a non profit organization that is a great place to find resources and is devoted to bringing awareness to this disease. Yes, it is a disease. I am frequent visitor to their website. They have encouraged me to share and to use this opportunity to let others know. I have debated with myself if I should post this list or if I should just keep it to myself. This has been a private list of mine for the last several months. I don't like to post posts that are sad or that may come off as complaining because I really do have a lot to be grateful for. I try to put on a brave face and look for the positive during this journey. But in reality, there is a lot of pain and heartache that is involved. Below is my personal list of confessions about my infertility. These are the things that I struggle with on a daily basis, some of my innermost feelings that I want to share with you. By sharing this list, I just want you to know that this is the hardest thing I have ever gone through and that I hope that this will help you understand a little bit more about me and about infertility. 

• It feels like someone is trying to rip my heart out every time I see a new born baby, expectant soon-to-be mother or a darling little girl.
• I sometimes un-follow your Facebook posts, Instagram or blog because I can't handle all of the baby pictures, complaining posts about pregnancy/kids and pregnancy announcements.
• I secretly wish I was strong enough to tell you that it hurts every time you complain about your greatest blessing.
• I would give up anything to go through morning sickness, hardly get any sleep and have a messy house if it meant I had a child.
• I appreciate your suggestions, but lets be honest, I have already tried to just relax and any other old wife's tale that helped your sister's friend's sister get pregnant. I just read a study about full fat dairy increasing fertility....ice cream anyone?
• I purposely plan my route in Target to avoid the baby section.
• Each month, I start to in-vision what it would be like to be pregnant and a mother....only to be reminded, painfully, that this month isn't the month.
• I cry a lot.....more than anyone would ever expect or even know.
• I think about infertility everyday....every single day.
• I frequently dream I am pregnant or that I have a baby. Sometimes they are so real that I wake up half expecting to find that child really there.
• I have a secret Pinterest board for infertility to remind myself that I am not alone.
• Please don't tell me that I have plenty of time or that I am still young, that doesn't make me feel any better.
• I genuinely don't mind you asking me about it. I honestly would rather have you ask than to have you wonder.
• Each month I feel so guilty because there must have been something more I could have done to make it happen.

If you have a friend or loved one going through a similar situation, give them a hug this week and let them know that you care. They may need it much more than you know.