IVF Round Two

In December, Zac and I felt that we were ready to add to your family. However, we knew and know that it will never be easy for us to do that. We knew that we would have to do IVF again. But, thankfully, we had four frozen embryos leftover from the cycle we had John.
I had gone off birth control several months earlier. I was only on birth control to help manage my Endo symptoms. But I knew that I needed a few months to let my body get back to normal before jumping into the world of infertility, drugs, and hormones again.
I was ready for another pregnancy and child but I didn't know if was ready for the rollercoaster that is infertility. But I decided to call the U of U anyways. When I called, they initially told me that all their doctors were booked through April! It was at that moment that I realized that I was ready and I didn't want to have to wait that long to just see a doctor. Luckily, there was a cancellation for the next week. This was a two weeks before Christmas.
We saw our IVF doctor and talked about timeline, etc. It is kind of funny, actually. Who else sits down with their husband, the doctor and a nurse with their calendar to plan when will be the best time to try and get pregnant? Haha. We finally settled on a timeframe of having the embryo transfer the first week of March.
I started hormone shots and pills the beginning of February. The drug protocol is much easier in a frozen cycle than a fresh, which I was so grateful for. The only downside of a frozen cycle is that instead of using a progesterone cream, you have to do a progesterone in oil (PIO) shot.....in the hip......with a big needle.....through 10 weeks of pregnancy.
The transfer went smoothly and then it was time for the waiting.....you have to wait 12 days before they can do a pregnancy test. Because I didn't have to take any HCG in my med protocol, I could have taken a home pregnancy test. But I couldn't do it. I have taken way too many of those and they had all come back negative so I didn't want to risk it.
I went in to the clinic early Sunday morning to have my blood drawn and the nurse told me they would call me in the next few hours to tell me the results. We had stake conference that day. We purposely sat in one of the overflow rooms so that I could check my phone easily. At around 11am, my phone rings. We rush out of the room and end up in the kitchen of the church building because it is one of the only quiet places. And for the second time, I got to hear the words "You're pregnant!".
Miracle baby number two is due on Thanksgiving Day (November 22nd, 2018).
After that, I was still not out of the woods. I had to continue taking an estrogen pill and my PIO shots. They got easier the longer I did them. I made Zac give them to me at first, but Zac ended up having a business trip half way through so I had to toughen up and do it myself. My hips ended up numb after the first couple of shots so by the end I couldn't even feel them. I still have a few numb spots and the injection sites are still a little sore. Hopefully, it wears off soon.
But those shots and any discomfort of going through IVF is 100% worth it. My heart is so full! Just two and half years ago, I never thought that I would be so blessed to have one child let alone two! This baby is truly a miracle. Modern medicine is a miracle!
Heavenly Father really does care and look out for each and everyone of us. With both IVF rounds I have asked Zac to give me a Priesthood blessing before the transfer. And both times, he has given the sweetest most comforting blessings. Each time, he was blessed me that the treatment will work. If that isn't a testimony that God does communicate to us and cares for us, I don't know what else is.
We find out the gender of our little baby next week and I can't wait! I will be so happy whether it is a boy or a girl. People ask me all the time what gender I want. I personally think it is a silly question because no matter the gender, I love this little baby with all my heart.

82 Shots

John Turns One

This past year went by way too quickly. My boy is no longer my tiny little baby but a curious, crawling boy. The last year has had many ups and downs. There were a few months that were really hard when John wasn't sleeping well but for the most part it was been amazing.
Being a mom is way different than I imagined but in a good way. This little boy has my whole heart. I feel like each day he is learning, growing, and changing.
At each stage I want him to stay at that stage and am afraid that I will be sad when he grows out of it but it has been the opposite. Each stage is exciting and different.
John now weighs 22lb 14oz (51%), 29in long (33%), and his head is in the 94th percentile! He finally figured out crawling instead of army crawling a few days before is first birthday. He has eight teeth and loves to jabber away. He can say 'mama' and has his own little language.
His little cheeks are kissed constantly. My absolute favorite time is right before nap or bedtime. We spend a few minutes in the rocking chair. He puts his little hands around my neck and snuggles his head on my shoulder. It is pure heaven. Those moments are the moments that I dreamed about for years and sometimes it seems too good to be true. Those are the moments that I want life to freeze.
John's birthday was on a Sunday so we decided to do most of the celebrating in Saturday. We started off by running a 5K for Footsteps for Fertility which is a non-profit that funds local fertility grants. By running the race, we were put into a drawing for a fertility grant. We didn't win but it was an amazing experience to watch other couples win a grant to get a shot at growing their families.
That afternoon, we threw John a birthday party! So many wonderful friends and family came out to celebrate with us. One of the best parts was that two of my good friends from Seattle that now live in Utah were able to come. In Seattle, these two girls were my support. Their friendship was and is priceless. We didn't speak about our struggles with infertility that often but we all knew. We knew that we could hang out together and understand what it was like to be in each other's shoes. Fast forward, three years later and we all have our little miracle babies, all boys! It is a proof to me that miracles do happen. There wasn't a better time for us to be reunited than at John's birthday.

18 Weeks

It has been quite a while since I have blogged! Life has been a little crazy around here. Zac has been busy with work and studying for his professional engineering license and I have also gotten more responsibility at work. However, there are so many things happening with this pregnancy that I want to make sure I document them to remember later. So in full disclosure and warning, this post will be all about my pregnancy so far. I understand if you don't read it. I probably wouldn't have read it either before.

I will be 18 weeks tomorrow! Everyday I wake up and have to remind myself that this is real. That this is really happening. I have actually really enjoyed being pregnant thus far. It might sound weird, but I think I have pinpointed it to the fact that it is the first time that I have had an actual break from Endometriosis and man does it feel good not to have to deal with that. I haven't had any crazy cravings yet, I just really really love carbs right now. Mashed potatoes and breakfast foods especially. I probably have pancakes for dinner once a week. haha. I also can't stand the thought or smell of most meat so I have become a partial vegetarian.

I am pretty sure that I felt our little guy move for the first time! I get emotional just thinking about it. We also found out last week that we are having a little boy! I can't believe it, but oh so excited. Zac is so happy and can't wait to have a little buddy to watch and play sports with. When we went in for our ultrasound, they recorded the entire thing. I have watched it several times. Life is so amazing! As I watched the ultrasound video and watched as my little baby stretched out in my stomach I was filled with an overwhelming sense of gratitude. Who am I, that I deserve such an experience? I am very aware of the possibility that this could be the only chance I get to experience pregnancy so I am trying my best pay attention to all of the little things that are happening. All I know is that this little baby boy makes me want to be the best mom and person that I can be because that is exactly what he deserves.

I am starting to show. :) Which is also pretty exciting! I am really glad that at my job I get to wear exercise clothes most of the time which are a lot more comfortable and more flexible than jeans or other pants. However, my shirts are becoming a lot more snug. It may sound weird, but buying maternity clothes is one of those things that I always wished I could do and now that time is here.

It is a strange but great feeling to be able to walk by the maternity or baby section in Target and not have a feeling of loss or hopelessness. I didn't realize how much that feeling was there until it was gone. I hope that I can remember this feeling forever.

As I was writing this post I read over several of my past posts about infertility. And reading them, the feelings that were behind each one are still so raw and real. It was hard. It was so hard. However, as I thought about the past four years, now that I am here, the scripture comes to mind about how our trials may be but a small moment. While I was in the moment, it felt like it would never end, that there was no end in sight. And here I am at that point where I have the opportunity to look back and evaluate what I learned. Life has a funny way of teaching us lessons and I am sure I have many more to learn.

Now it is time for a little timeline of photos!

Five Day Embryo!

Day One! The little embryo is so tiny you can't even see it. You can only see a little white speck which is the fluid surrounding the embryo.

Nine Weeks

17 Weeks!

You can see his spine, brain and his heart

Garbanzo Bean

This week Zac and I had our viability ultrasound. This ultrasound was to make sure everything was looking good. Basically, it is the finals of IVF school.

I can't even describe how amazing that ultrasound was. We were able to hear our baby's heartbeat and see that he/she is the size of a garbanzo bean. I started crying watching that ultrasound. It still feels like a dream, like one of those dreams where you keep hitting the snooze button on your alarm clock because you don't want to wake up. I have a feeling that the next nine months are going to be filled with moments like these that I will never want to forget.

Our little bean was measuring just where it needed to be and everything looked really good. Our doctor even told us that at this point because everything is looking so good that our risk of miscarriage is less than 10%. And then I started crying all over again hearing those words. We have officially been passed off to a regular OB and I have my first appointment in a few weeks, with our only requirement being to make sure to send a picture to our wonderful and supportive IVF doctors and nurses when our baby is born.

Top 15 of 2015

I can't believe that 2015 is coming to an end and 2016 is already here. This past year has been a crazy and adventurous one! Here are my top 15 moments from 2015.

15. In January, Zac was offered a job in Utah so we packed everything up and moved from Seattle to Salt Lake.

14. Witnessed a miracle. Before we moved, we were able to witness my nephew, Mason, be sealed to my sister, Kristin and Alan and Spencer for time and all eternity.

13. Grandma LeFevre passed away. It was bittersweet. It also provided an opportunity for my whole immediate family to be together for the first time in years.

12. Celebrated my 25th birthday with lots of family around to make it extra special.

11. I hiked the Grand Canyon with my Dad and Lindsey.

10. Started a new job at 1800Contacts as a personal trainer/wellness coach. I absolutely love it!

9. Visited home for the 24th of July and spent a lot of time with family.

8. Successfully grew my first patio garden!


7. We discovered that besides Endometriosis, we were also dealing with male factor infertility which explains a lot.

6. Celebrated 6 wonderful years of marriage!

5. Went to Yellowstone, knocking something off my lifelong bucket list.

4. Ran two half marathons!

3. Went on many great adventures with Zac. Lots of hiking, backpacking and discovering.

2. We decided to give IVF a try. I thought I would die giving myself shots, but I survived.

1. And for the best news of all of 2015...........IT WORKED! Our little miracle is expected early September of 2016. So it is still pretty early which means that we are not out of the woods yet. Thank you for all of your support and prayers. I am completely overwhelmed with happiness and gratitude. I wanted the IVF treatments to work so so bad but was so afraid that I would be disappointed again like I have been so many times over the last four years. I am still a little reserved and having a hard time feeling like it is real. I have spent the last four years guarding myself and my emotions from the painful reality of infertility. Just thinking about the fact that we are really going to have a baby in 2016, is enough to get me misty eyed with pure happiness.

We decided to have the blood test done over Christmas vacation. It took us a while to find an open lab and when we finally had the blood work finished, because of the time difference between Utah and Washington, we had to wait to get the results the next day. Talk about the longest day ever. The next morning Zac and I were just laying in bed half awake when my phone rang. I knew exactly what phone call it was. I jumped out of bed, answered the phone and put it on speaker phone so Zac could hear. Those few moments seemed to go in slow motion. When I heard the IVF nurse say, "Congratulations! You are pregnant!" I completely lost it. There are moments in life that change everything and you will never forget. This was definitely one of those moments. I will never forget how I felt hearing those words for the first time. Such a tender moment. 

Like I said earlier, it is still quite early. So there is still a lot of risk. However, I have decided that because I have let you all in on my IVF journey, I need to let you in on the rest, no matter what happens. 

2015 was a crazy year that brought a lot of change. Here is to an even crazier 2016! 

Transfer

Where to begin....my heart is full of gratitude, love and hope. Grateful to all of you for the thoughtful texts, notes, messages and meals. They have been life-savers. Full of love for a husband who is so supportive, honors his priesthood and stays close to his Savior. And hopeful for the future and the possibilities that we could soon be parents, hopeful that my dream may be fulfilled.

After all was said and done, we had five beautiful little embryos, healthy, good quality, beautiful embryos. After talking it over with the doctor, praying and thinking about it, we decided to go ahead and only transfer one embryo and freeze the remaining four. I feel at peace about this decision and that it is the right thing for us to do at this time.

I was able to see the actual embryo that they transferred right before. It went smoothly and I had no pain. They gave me a picture of my embryo as well as an ultrasound picture right after the transfer. In the ultrasound there is a tiny white dot which is actually just the fluid surrounding my little guy. The embryo is too small at this point to be seen on an ultrasound. These are possibly the first pictures of our baby!

Retrieval Day

I had my egg retrieval yesterday morning. The actual procedure went really well and we ended up with 16 little eggs! Which is a great number to start out with. The embryologist will call me tomorrow to give me an update on how my little guys are doing. I thought the anticipation of waiting for Christmas was bad.....this is waaaay worse. I am so excited!

So lets back up just a little bit, I took my trigger shot on Tuesday. I was so nervous. The needle for the trigger was much larger than my other shots. I iced my bum until it was numb then turned on my favorite Christmas music and made Zac do the stabbing. I didn't even feel it. That definitely a tender mercy.

Wednesday and Thursday were rough, I felt like I had been punched in the stomach, not fun.
Luckily for the retrieval I was out of it and on pain meds so I don't remember anything. Once I woke up, however, I was quite sick from the anesthesia and I was in a lot of pain. We ended up staying in the recovery room for a few hours until I felt better. Today I am feeling much better and it is just a dull ache compared to yesterday.

Tuesday is the big day. Transfer day. We will hopefully be transferring two embryos. Then after that it is the dreaded two week wait. Our blood work to see it worked or not is scheduled for December 27th, which means we get to do our blood work in Spokane, the clinic will send the results to our doctors in Utah then our doctor will call us to tell us the results. Talk about suspenseful.....

I have never asked for prayers on my behalf before and I know that a lot of you are already praying for us. But I would like to ask for any good thoughts and prayers that you may have for us on Tuesday. It is a big day that has the potential to completely alter Zac's and my life forever. We could use all the extra prayers that day. Love you all!

The Count Down is On

Well, folks, it is almost official....retrieval day is most likely Thursday. AAAAHHHHH!!!!!! My ovaries are growing like crazy. In fact, at my ultrasound yesterday the doctor kept telling me "good job" for my ability to grow lots of eggs. Haha. So good job ovaries! 

 

At each ultrasound, they draw my blood to check hormone levels then measure my follicles to see how they are progressing. They schedule retrieval when the majority of my follicles are measuring between 14 - 24 mm. That is almost a whole inch per follicle and I have around 20 that are looking good. So needless to say, my ovaries are HUGE! They are so big right now that they are actually touching and I feel extremely bloated. 

The IVF nurse will call me later today to give me instructions on what time to take my trigger shot and instructions for the next three days. I don't think I have ever been so anxious in my whole life. The timing of this shot is crucial. If it is too early or too late then all of this will be for nothing and we will have to start all over again. They give me an exact time to take the shot and the nurse even drew a circle on my hip so we know exactly where it needs to go. 

I can't even adequately describe my feelings and emotions right now. I am an emotional mess. Between the the high quantities of hormones I am taking and just the stress and anxiety that comes along with IVF, I am surprised that I have been able to hold it together. I have never been so hopeful yet so scared. Thank you for all of your support and prayers. I can feel them. 

Shots

I feel like the last week has gone by soooooo slow but also incredibly fast at the same time. If you have ever watched a suspenseful movie with me then you know that I get giddy and can hardly sit still through out the movie. That is exactly what I am feeling like right now. The suspense is killing me!

I have ultrasounds every other day to see how my follicles are developing. Apparently they are growing like crazy thanks to the meds. Because, right now I feel like an over inflated balloon. At my ultrasound on Monday they will decide if I am ready for my trigger shot (the shot that triggers ovulation). If I am ready, then I will go home take the shot then have my egg retrieval on Wednesday. I am pretty nervous about the retrieval process, I have heard that the retrieval can be pretty rough so we will see....

Overall, the shots aren't too bad. I am getting better and faster. By the end of this I am going to have some mad skillzzz with shot giving. The worst thing about it is the side effects. I have had a constant headache since I started the meds. Which always makes for a fun time. not. I can take Tylenol but it only takes about half of it away. Below is one of my shots. So you can see they aren't too scary looking. :)

Day One

I gave myself a shot today. I will be taking two shots each morning for the next five days then it goes up to three a day. I tried to give myself the first one but I chickened out. That first shot was the hardest. I ended up making Zac do it because I started crying from stress and nerves. But after I knew what it was going to feel like I was able to give myself the second one. I think it will definitely get easier the more I do it. It is just those first ones that are so scary and hard. One day down and a whole lot more to go......

Welcome to the Pharmacy.....

I picked up my drugs today.....Needless to say I walked out the pharmacy with two rather large bags and a lot poorer. We also met with the nurse yesterday for one final screening ultrasound, went over all of my drugs and paid a whole lot of money.

Everything looks really good. I have a lot of eggs and no cysts! She gave us instructions on how to give myself shots and the needle doesn't look as scary as I originally thought. I just have to get comfortable with stabbing myself. Yikes. I am just trying to get over how many drugs I have to take. This is going to be interesting.......
In other infertility news, this month marks four years. It seems short and long at the same time. This could all be over within the next year which is super weird to think about. Infertility has been part of me for so long and to think that there is a very real possibility of actually have the child that I have so desperately prayed and hoped for is so exciting and nerve racking. I haven't even started the medications and I am on the verge of tears either from excitement or stress.
I also want to thank you all for your kind words and your prayers. They have definitely been felt. Never in my life have I tangibly felt someone else's prayer on my behave has I have over the last few months. Thank you.

Things Just Got Real.....

Things just got real.....Zac and I just got our schedule from the IVF nurse this week. We are really doing this. IVF has been this thought in the back of my mind for almost a year now and we are finally doing it. I just started taking birth control which is weird because I haven't had to take it for the past four years now. I don't know if it is the birth control or the fact that I am so anxious but my emotions have been all over the place. I am somewhere between wanting to cry at anything even slightly emotional or slap people because they are just getting on my nerves. Guys, the nightly news is making me cry. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?! Caution: please do not take offense to anything Katelyn may say or do for at least the next two months.

So the schedule....It looks like we will start injections right after Thanksgiving, have our egg retrieval sometime the week of December 7th and then egg transfer five days after that. This means that I could take a pregnancy test right around Christmas Eve. Which I am still trying to decide what to do. I could literally find out if I am pregnant or not on Christmas, meaning this could be the best Christmas in my life EVER or the absolute worst Christmas EVER. Blog world, what would you do?

I think IVF is going to take over my blog for awhile. It is really the only thing I can think about right now. Infertility has consumed most of my thoughts for the last several years but now with IVF looming ahead I would say it is consuming more than ever. Luckily, I don't have to alter my exercise too much up until egg retrieval. Exercise right now is my biggest stress relieve. I am training for another half on Halloween. Usually, by this point I am so burned out on running but running has been such a safe haven for me that I haven't been able to give it up. Those last few weeks of In Vitro are going to be really hard emotionally. And that is when they take away my running.

Looking back over the last four years, Zac and I have both sacrificed and given up so much just for the chance to have a baby of our own. But it will all be worth it. every. last. second. will be worth it.

The Big One

BIG NEWS! Zac and I have decided to try IVF with ICSI. Big news, right?! I may or may not be freaking out just a little bit. I can't describe the whirlwind of emotions that I am feeling about this decision. I am excited, nervous, hopeful and scared all at the same time. I am ready to start and to see if this will finally give us the children we have longed for for so long. Our chances for success are quite high around 60% which is so much better than our current chances of like 1%. We are hoping to start our first cycle sometime between the end of October and beginning of November.

One of the homework assignments that I have to do before is watch training videos on how to give myself shots. Yikes! Just watching the video was frightening so this will be really interesting. Any friends out there that don't mind sticking me with a needle? Just kidding....but seriously.

Even though I feel good about this decision and I know that it is the right next step for us to take it is still really scary. I keep telling myself that thousands upon thousands of couples go through this each year so it shouldn't be such a big deal. But oh, it IS a big deal.

Seriously, I think the only way I am going to make it through this is because it is fall and I love fall. So if all else fails, I at least have pumpkin patches, leaves changing and caramel apple spice drinks from Starbucks to keep my mood up.

 I am still waiting for the IVF nurses to call me back so we can talk schedule. The more I learn about this process I become more and more amazed at how advanced modern medicine is! Everything about this whole procedure is all about timing.

We have started some of the pre-testing. Last week I had a sonohysterogram done and what they call a trial transfer. The sonohyterogram was to make sure there was no scar tissue or blockages and the trial transfer is pretty much the doctor Google mapping my uterus so, you know, really fun. I did not anticipate how incredibly painful it would be! Holy cow. It hurt so bad. The pain was so terrible that I lost my breakfast on the way home from the doctor's office. I have only had cramps that severe a few times in my life. It was terrible. On the bright side though, our doctor said that if he didn't know I had Endometriosis that he wouldn't have been able to tell. So YAY for minimal endo growth.

Going through this is going to take so much strength: physical, emotional and mental. I just have to remind myself that going through hard things just make you stronger and that I may really get my Christmas wish this year, a baby. :)

Thoughts.....

There is something about writing down how I feel about infertility that helps me process it. My thoughts become more clear and I am better able to think about it without breaking down.

The day before our 6th wedding anniversary, Zac and I got some pretty devastating news. The test was completely unsuccessful. We are left with two options, IVF with ICSI or giving up the dream of having our own children. It is safe to say, that we both need time to think about what we are going to do next.
We met with our doctor a little over a week ago and discussed in detail what IVF would include. It is a lot. But strangely, I feel at peace about the whole thing. I know that if we decide to do this that I will have the strength to do it.
Last night as I was talking to Zac about all of these thoughts and feels I realized that processing all of this is easier now than it would have been a few years ago. I am not saying that infertility is all of a sudden easy, because it definitely isn't. But I somehow feel stronger. I don't know if it is just because I am numb after four years or if I am literally stronger. We will go with stronger. :)
Zac and I have been extremely blessed in all of this. We have been led to amazing doctors and we have both been able to find good jobs. So whatever we decide finances won't be a problem.
Elise and I have been making more of an effort to go to the temple more often and every time I go I am reminded that life is eternal. I cannot express enough the love I have for my Father in Heaven and my Savior, Jesus Christ. Knowing that they know me as "Katelyn", that they love me and care about me is so comforting.
Dealing with infertility,it is so easy to feel like I am broken, defective and forgotten. It is a constant battle to fight those thoughts out of my mind and to remind myself that I am unique and important. Even though I may or may not ever be able to have biological children that it doesn't make me less of a person and that I can still be a good person and do so much good for those around me. And I know that the strength to be that kind of person and to overcome the negative thoughts come from my God.
I am sure once we make a decision, I will write a more lengthy post about what will be doing and I will probably use this space more to talk about what we are going through. I don't want to forget anything that I have gone through or will go through. Blogging is a way for me to remember that.