Back in the summer of 2014, I decided to start a journal that was written to my future child. It was a way for me to process the many emotions of fighting infertility. As I have been waiting for him to make his arrival, I have had time to read through those first initial entries. I am still writing in that journal to him. And I hope to continue through his life. I also wanted to share that first entry with you:
June 11, 2014
Dear Future Child,
I am not sure how to even begin journal. You see, I've dreamed about you, prayed for you and hoped for you for what feels like eternity. It, in fact, has been two years and seven months.
I never thought I would have to fight so hard for you. I am still fighting for you.
I have been to multiple doctors in hope the would be able to fix me. But none of them know why I am broken. Next month, I will be having surgery in hopes they will find the source of our problems. Even though you aren't even close to being on earth yet, I want you to know how much I love you. I know that I am meant to be a mother, your mother.
I picture what you will look like, who you will become, and choose names for you. If you are a girl, I think I may name you Evelyn, Genevieve, or Vera. Genevieve and Vera are my grandmother's names. I like to think that you are up in heaven with Grandma Vera Heap and she is telling you about how she would always give me cookies and Hawaiian fruit punch when we would visit.
If you are a boy, then that is a little harder. I like the names ben, John, William, Landon, Marcus nad probably a ton more that I haven't even thought of.
I just know you are going to be special. The longer you have to wait for something, the better it is. I know you are there and that you will come. Sometimes being patient is difficult I am learning to trust in the Lord's timing.
Oh how I am so happy that I am finally almost to end of this waiting. Waiting is hard but makes everything that much sweeter.
Something else I have been doing while I have been waiting is looking through the rest of my maternity pictures. I can't get enough of them. I sure do have a talented sister-in-law and I am so grateful she chose to use her talent to catch these memories. Thanks Emma.
This is really special and I'm sure little John J will treasure it. It will make him feel so good to know how much he was hoped and prayed for. Almost there!
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